Well, long time no see... I don't really use this account so much anymore, I have journals elsewhere, and no scanner at the moment, so not much artwork to put up. But I think this is the most universally read of all my journals, and I want this up where everyone can read it - yay!

I don't really use public journals to whine in that much anymore. I'm not really vain enough to assume the world cares about my small problems. But meh, I want this said.

The decision to leave my life behind in England to marry my One and Only was excruciatingly painful. I chose to give up almost everything - my physical independence, as my license means squat out here, and buses just do not really happen - my financial independence, as I cannot work until the government tells me I can. My close proximity to all my family and friends - I don't know about you, but for me, hugging my 12 year old baby brother and telling him I won't be seeing him for the next year or longer was very painful. Saying goodbye to a pair of cats I love more than life itself, and knowing I just can't really explain to them what I'm doing, where I'm going, when I'll next be back to see them. On a more superficial level, I had to leave behind a HUGE wardrobe, a lifetime's library collection, letters, my guitar, my keyboard, a collection of rocks and crystals... all the material possessions I had come to love. I arrived in this country with two suitcases to my name, and nothing else.

I'm doing quite well, considering. Opie and I are moving into a plush two bedroom, two bathroom apartment next week, and have furnished it with our own things that a year from now, we hope to take with us to our own home. We acquired a puppy yesterday - a cute little Shiba Inu, which we both adore. But there's a hole in my world, and that is the gaping wound of "friends" reaching in and pulling out the parts of your heart you gave them, and stomping it on the floor. I never imagined for one second that moving in with my boyfriend would mean that I would lose all the people I loved. But my sister and my father are the only people who have really made any effort to stay in touch. That leaves two room mates (who have free calls to America, if they chose to use them, btw), my "best" friend (who told me before I left that she loves writing letters and can't wait to have a penpal, etc), a mother, and two other siblings.

Small numbers, I know. That's cuz I don't really like people. I don't even really like my family that much. But my room mates and my best friend... yeah, they're people I chose to love. They're the tiny amount I once opened my heart up to. And no one has any idea how stupid I feel for allowing them in now.

Opie said to me about it, "They were never your friends - and now your usefulness has worn out," and I have been inconsolable for the past week, because even though I knew it was the truth, I just didn't want it to be. I wanted my friends to love me as much as I love them. Who wouldn't want that?

So, I just wanted to write this. I wanted to admit defeat. I won't bug them anymore. I won't write emails, I won't send cards on their birthdays, I'll leave them live their own lives, and I'll live mine. I tried so hard to stay friends with absolutely everyone, even while they were all telling me how much they hated each other. "Do you have to keep inviting her over?", "Don't you just hate the way she lies all the time", blah blah blah. I put up with so much f***ing crap, cuz thats what friends do. Right? Yeah, silly me.